Eric: So I heard the Catholic Church has a new rule about Homosexuality
Bryant: Yeah you can be attracted to the same sexyou just can’t act on it.
JP: That’s stupid.
Eric: Yeah but the craziest part is when I was growing up they said that even thinking something bad was bad.
JP: Hell, if your going to get punished for thinking it, why not just do it?
Wilson: Cause thinking it and doing it are not on the same level.
Eric: Yeah I mean that’s the whole impure thoughts sin.
JP: So thinking impure thoughts is a sin.
Eric: Except if they're homosexual now. I’m beginning to think the church is Pro-homosexual and this is a weird version of reverse psychology.
Wilson: What do you mean?
Eric: I can’t think about getting a blowjob from someone unless it’s from a guy... That’s fucked up.
Bryant: No it’s not.
Wilson: Well not for you.
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Me: Why do you always ask me to do favors for you in Spanish?
Mom: Cause I am too short.
Me: You're too short to speak the English language?
Mom: Yes... Wait... What???
(FYI She started answering before I finished the Question. She must have thought I was going to ask something else.)
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Woman X : "Do you have any kids?"
Me: "No, Not yet."
Woman X: "Really?"
Me: "Really."
Woman X: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Lady you know something I don't know? It's not that hard to put a rubber on. I've been doing it for years."
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Wilson: “Of course she is a bitch look how skinny she is. When you don't eat it makes you mean, that's why starving people never do comedy."
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Mom: We need to put up a fence around my vegetable garden.
Eric: How Big?
Mom:Tall enough to keep the animals & Mexicans out.
Eric: What?
Mom: You know the Mexicans who do the lawn.
Eric: You mean the landscaping crew?
Mom: Yes, Them.
Eric: If the fence down in Texas doesn't keep them out I don't think I can build anything taller... Unless I hired Mexicans to help me.
Mom: No I just want them to know where my garden is so they don't mess it up.
Eric: You know you could of said that in the beginning.
Mom: I did, you are the one that makes everything complicated
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Matt:"Good Pizza is the closest a man can get to Having a multiple orgasms."
Randy: "No the closest thing would be if you can have pizza & Sex at the same time."
Matt: "I tried that the problem is if you are any good the girl moves to much and the box falls off her back."
Randy: "Great, Now I don't know if I'm horny or hungry."
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Marc:"How long do you have to be seeing someone before you fart in front of them?"
Eric: "You are asking the wrong person. I went away for a weekend with a girl and nearly died. When I finally got home I created a mushroom cloud that blew up the house."
Marc: "Oh I remember that weekend... Is that what killed the cat?"
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Dad: "Your dressing like you are looking for a Ho."
Me: "No, I'm looking for a sugar momma."
Mom: "They don't exist."
Me: "Don't ruin my dreams."
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My mom to my brother "You are your fathers son & your mothers daughter." That was not an accident.
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My Dad: "Me and your mother have a great sex life, we practice S&M. She sleeps, and I masturbate. Then we switch."
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Mom: “I don't know why that priest was so mean, maybe he couldn't get his daily dose of alter boy.”
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While driving my mom and dad to the airport my dad spent 15 minutes talking to my mom telling her things they had to take care of. Unfortunatly my mom had her headphones in and didn't hear a word she said.
Dad: That explains why it was the most peaceful conversation we ever had.
Mom: Shut the fuck up and get on the plain before I tell the cops you have Weed in your underwear.
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My dad: "Every guy has had a moment in there life when they are talking to a woman and realize she is crazy. At that moment you weigh the hotness factor vs. the possible danger. One night while on a first date I realized that my date was just bat shit crazy and I should run... And If I had listened to that impulse you wouldn't be here." And that's how my dad explained true love to me. No wonder I'm so messed up.
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Mom: I'm so short.
Dad: I know that's why I married you. I wanted a wife I could talk down to.
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Eric: We just need to get Bryant a Black midget.
Wilson: They prefer the term Halfrican America.
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Eric: As soon as the Civil War story arc is over I think I will have Jay do a review on it.Wilson: Make sure he knows its Marvels Civil war (not the real one)
Wilson giggles and than starts to cough.
Eric: That’s god punishing you.
Wilson: I thought you were God’s punishment.
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After seeing the movie: Four Brothers
Eric: (To Fernando) We know your Andre Benjamin, who’s Tyrese,
Fernando looks at Marc.
Marc: Yeah if anybody is going to be banging La Vida Loca.
Fernando: I was thinking you would be most likely to get chased by an angry boyfriend.
Eric: Well that means JP is Jack.
JP: Nah, I don’t want to die.
Marc: We’re not going to reenact the movie; we’re just talking about characteristics.
Fernando: I guess that makes you Mark Wahlberg.
Eric: Yeah that Makes sense. I am the most likely to throw someone out a window.
Starting in 2011 I wll try to put up a monthly collection of my tweets, Statuses and funny conversations.
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