Skyline

Strange lights descend on the city of Los Angeles, drawing people outside like moths to a flame where an extraterrestrial force threatens to swallow the entire human population off the face of the Earth.


That is the synopsis on IMDB. for The movie Skyline. The real synopsis should have been “Movie shines bright lights and blows shit up just to take your money away.” I’m not a huge Monster movie fan. Some I like, some I don’t, but I just felt this movie was so lacking in direction and plot that I really didn’t care about the characters. I had more fun finding similarities to other movie, not that that was exactly fun just something to do while I killed time waiting for the movie to end.

You start off the movie being introduced to a couple from New York , played by Eric Balfour and Scottie Thompson, that you realize are having problems but you are not quite sure what the problems are other than maybe vague money problem. I think Jarrod (Balfour) was suppose to be an artist who was visiting a friend in LA who has made it big doing special affects in LA played by Donald Faison. But again this all unclear, you know the 2 of them used to do graffiti when they were younger but you never know if Jarrod is still an artist or not. When Terry (Faison) offers Jarrod a job you are never quite sure why Elaine (Thompson) reacts so badly. I mean if he is struggling and they need the money what’s the problem? Take the job. If he is not struggling why does Jarrod look so depressed all the time. I just never got a feel for the characters And quite frankly I never card.

See the movie never makes you feel for these people because they feel like copy of other characters. It’s almost as if the filmmakers decided hey here are some people feel bad for them as we chase them with monsters. What do you mean you don’t care about 5 random people at a party in LA who are being chased by monsters? You cared about them in Cloverfield didn’t you? This is the same movie we just moved it to LA. Oh don’t worry we have a twist at the end so we can make sequels. Probably going straight to video but you’ll watch them... You know you will.

Overall I would say the movie is not really worth checking out unless you happen to catch it on some cable channel, late at night, when you can’t sleep and your only other choice is a Carrot Top marathon.

Final Grade: D+

Random Quotes and statuses,

Eric: So I heard the Catholic Church has a new rule about Homosexuality
Bryant: Yeah you can be attracted to the same sexyou just can’t act on it.
JP: That’s stupid.
Eric: Yeah but the craziest part is when I was growing up they said that even thinking something bad was bad.
JP: Hell, if your going to get punished for thinking it, why not just do it?
Wilson: Cause thinking it and doing it are not on the same level.
Eric: Yeah I mean that’s the whole impure thoughts sin.
JP: So thinking impure thoughts is a sin.
Eric: Except if they're homosexual now. I’m beginning to think the church is Pro-homosexual and this is a weird version of reverse psychology.
Wilson: What do you mean?
Eric: I can’t think about getting a blowjob from someone unless it’s from a guy... That’s fucked up.
Bryant: No it’s not.
Wilson: Well not for you.


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Me: Why do you always ask me to do favors for you in Spanish?
Mom: Cause I am too short.
Me: You're too short to speak the English language?
Mom: Yes... Wait... What???
(FYI She started answering before I finished the Question. She must have thought I was going to ask something else.)


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Woman X : "Do you have any kids?"
Me: "No, Not yet."
Woman X: "Really?"
Me: "Really."
Woman X: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Lady you know something I don't know? It's not that hard to put a rubber on. I've been doing it for years."


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Wilson: “Of course she is a bitch look how skinny she is. When you don't eat it makes you mean, that's why starving people never do comedy."



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Mom: We need to put up a fence around my vegetable garden.
Eric: How Big?
Mom:Tall enough to keep the animals & Mexicans out.
Eric: What?
Mom: You know the Mexicans who do the lawn.
Eric: You mean the landscaping crew?
Mom: Yes, Them.
Eric: If the fence down in Texas doesn't keep them out I don't think I can build anything taller... Unless I hired Mexicans to help me.
Mom: No I just want them to know where my garden is so they don't mess it up.
Eric: You know you could of said that in the beginning.
Mom: I did, you are the one that makes everything complicated



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Matt:"Good Pizza is the closest a man can get to Having a multiple orgasms."
Randy: "No the closest thing would be if you can have pizza & Sex at the same time."
Matt: "I tried that the problem is if you are any good the girl moves to much and the box falls off her back."
Randy: "Great, Now I don't know if I'm horny or hungry."


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Marc:"How long do you have to be seeing someone before you fart in front of them?"
Eric: "You are asking the wrong person. I went away for a weekend with a girl and nearly died. When I finally got home I created a mushroom cloud that blew up the house."
Marc: "Oh I remember that weekend... Is that what killed the cat?"


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Dad: "Your dressing like you are looking for a Ho."
Me: "No, I'm looking for a sugar momma."
Mom: "They don't exist."
Me: "Don't ruin my dreams."


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My mom to my brother "You are your fathers son & your mothers daughter." That was not an accident.


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My Dad: "Me and your mother have a great sex life, we practice S&M. She sleeps, and I masturbate. Then we switch."

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Mom: “I don't know why that priest was so mean, maybe he couldn't get his daily dose of alter boy.”


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While driving my mom and dad to the airport my dad spent 15 minutes talking to my mom telling her things they had to take care of. Unfortunatly my mom had her headphones in and didn't hear a word she said.
Dad: That explains why it was the most peaceful conversation we ever had.
Mom: Shut the fuck up and get on the plain before I tell the cops you have Weed in your underwear.

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My dad: "Every guy has had a moment in there life when they are talking to a woman and realize she is crazy. At that moment you weigh the hotness factor vs. the possible danger. One night while on a first date I realized that my date was just bat shit crazy and I should run... And If I had listened to that impulse you wouldn't be here." And that's how my dad explained true love to me. No wonder I'm so messed up.

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Mom: I'm so short.
Dad: I know that's why I married you. I wanted a wife I could talk down to.


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Eric: We just need to get Bryant a Black midget.
Wilson: They prefer the term Halfrican America.


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Eric: As soon as the Civil War story arc is over I think I will have Jay do a review on it.Wilson: Make sure he knows its Marvels Civil war (not the real one)
Wilson giggles and than starts to cough.
Eric: That’s god punishing you.
Wilson: I thought you were God’s punishment.


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After seeing the movie: Four Brothers
Eric: (To Fernando) We know your Andre Benjamin, who’s Tyrese,
Fernando looks at Marc.
Marc: Yeah if anybody is going to be banging La Vida Loca.
Fernando: I was thinking you would be most likely to get chased by an angry boyfriend.
Eric: Well that means JP is Jack.
JP: Nah, I don’t want to die.
Marc: We’re not going to reenact the movie; we’re just talking about characteristics.
Fernando: I guess that makes you Mark Wahlberg.
Eric: Yeah that Makes sense. I am the most likely to throw someone out a window.




Starting in 2011 I wll try to put up a monthly collection of my tweets, Statuses and funny conversations.

I am a perv & damn proud of it.

Recently a woman I work with called me a “Horn Dog” because I said I like to have sex. Personally the title did not bother me so much as the tone in which it was said. I never said I sleep around indiscriminately, I never said that I don’t get to know my partners. I just said given a choice of what to do with my free time I would prefer to try to make a girl scream in ecstasy. (I admitted that wasn’t likely to occur because I will most likely fall asleep in 10 minutes, but I’m always trying.)

Now because she would rather spend her time shopping and I’d rather get some nookie, I’m the freak.


PS No I do not think sex is the most important thing in the world but I do think if done right it is the most fun.

I lOvE My fRIenDS, TheY n0t 0nLy PutuP w i t h m y INSANITIES TheY Enc0Ur@ge THeM!

This is an actual conversation as best as I can recall it between me and my buddy.  Of course I am going crazy so I could have imagined it. 

ME: I finally figured out why I attract crazy women.

MT: This should be interesting, go on.

ME: So I'm with this girl and she starts to go into this whole tirade about how the rain is a sign god is mad at us and how another flood is coming.

MT: Seriously???

ME: I wish I could make this stuff up. After I spend the next 20 minutes explaining that it's not raining everywhere and if God really wanted to start over he might not use the same trick.  I mean he's god I'm sure he can find a dozen other ways to wipe us out with out having to repeat himself.  I don't want to believe god is all powerful but not very creative. Anyway I look over and this Japanese guy is taking pictures of me and her.  

MT: You sure it was you? Maybe it was something next to you?

ME: Why would anyone want to take a picture of the Manhattan skyline?  Anyway I figure I must be on a reality show like the Truman show and I'm like a huge celeb in Japan.

MT: Actually it's in Germany and if I could get you to autograph some of your t-shirts I can finish paying for grad school. I bought my new car with the money I got from selling all your socks.
 
ME: I told you someone stole them!!!

The Early Years with my Brother

I should have known my brother Marc would be the biggest pain in my ass when I was 10. You see, there is an 8 years age difference so it was not uncommon for me to watch over my brother when he was younger; my mother would often just have me entertain him while she cooked or cleaned. One day I was laying on the floor while my brother is playing with a plastic cup. Not just any cup, but my Nestle Quick bunny mug which required 6 proof of purchases and shipping and handling to get it... and it was worth every penny. I mean this thing had been around for 5 years and had never even chipped. Even with my brother using it to beat the floor it never seemed to scuff.

So there I am, playing with my brother while he is sitting on my stomach, remember he isn't even 2 yet, and he is banging the cup on anything nearby. He is enjoying the sound it makes so much and he is quiet so I let him. I am actually paying more attention to cartoons than my brother. My mistake, he starts to bang it on other things, the table leg, the chair, my teeth.

That’s right, my teeth, now when this happened for some reason he started crying, it might have been the large amount of blood that came spurting from my mouth, it might be the realization in his infantile mind that he screwed up, but for whatever reason he started wailing away like I had just stabbed him. My mother who was alerted to the fact that something was wrong came into the room at that moment.

She took one look at me covered in my own blood and one look at my brother who was crying. And in that second the tone of my life was set. My mother who had given birth to both of us and loved me supposedly, didn’t spend a second to look at me. Instead she ran over and picked my brother up to make sure he was all right, meanwhile I ran to the sink and gathered the bits of teeth I had left.

As I was cleaning my teeth my mother comes over and asked me what I did to Marc. When I responded “HE HIT ME WITH MY OWN CUP!!!” She responded “Well don’t get any blood on the towels they’re new.”

10 minutes later I’m sitting there with Paper towels pressed against my gums praying that the bleeding will stop while my mom is calling a dentist and there is my brother sitting on the floor. Grinning and playing with my Stuffed Digum banging it against the floor wondering why it’s not making noise.

This son of a bitch knocked out my teeth than smiled about it.

I should have known than the problems he would cause me but a few years later he would prove his worth. See I grew up this weird kind of poor in The Bronx. I mean I went to a catholic school but we still got government cheese. Somehow my family was able to pull scams that allowed us to live beyond our means. We moved several times and at one point we were in a converted garage. As near as we could tell the house had a driveway that pulled into the back yard where there was a 2 car garage for the main house. The owner walled up the garage which became the master bedroom and what would have been the chauffeurs apartment was the 2nd floor (Don’t forget the Bronx used to be a wealthy area and some of the old houses are still around.)

So one year for Christmas my dad got us hand made bunk beds. Hand made was big when I was growing up because it was usually cheaper. Some guy would owe my dad money or a favor but would never be able to pay if off. So instead he had them do him a favor like make him bunk beds for his kids. My dad paid for the wood and we ended up with a set of bunk beds that look like they came from an old Pirate ship. Luckily it was sturdy for me and my brother.

Anyway, my brother had outgrown his baby bed, which was coated in a protective plastic layer in case his pissed himself at night. Before you start snickering he was a little kid and had a fairly good command of his bladder at the time. Hence the reason he was moving into a bunk bed. He must have been around 4 or 5 and he was supposed to be helping me get rid of his mattress but the mattress slipped while bringing it down the stairs, and slid all the way to the front door.

What??? The mattress slides down the stairs? I mean it really just flew down the stairs. Marc and I looked at each other and than at the mattress and a little cartoon light bulb lit up over both our heads. What if we sat on it and slid down the stares. Not being stupid I let my brother test it first, and it worked like a dream. We never had a sled but for a half hour my brother and I slid down the stairs down a 10 foot hall and stopped at the front door. Than I got the idea why don’t we open the front door.

This increased the fun factor by 3.5, a significant number considering all we did was open a door. I mean unless you are walking into trampoline night at the playboy mansion very few times will you open a door and things will be 3 times as fun. See it was winter and we hadn’t had real snow but decided that this was as close to sledding as we were going to get. So now we were sliding out the front door.

My mother being the keen observer that she was (and the fact that it was time for a commercial) found us sitting at the top of the stair ready to take off.

“What are you doing?” she screamed, at the time I couldn’t tell if she was surprised or angry. In my house it was learned early on if you can get mom or dad laughing the punishment will be lessened. The flip side is that if you swung and missed you were going to get a beat down.

My brother not missing a beat simply said ”you want to try?”, and she did! Some how my brother has always been able to get away with things with a grin and a wink. This was the first time I saw it in action.

So now me, my brother and MY MOTHER are taking rides on that mattress. In later years I would be able to manipulate my brother into using his powers for my benefit, but at that moment he proved his worth and that’s the reason I keep him around till this day.