Are you F**ing kidding me???

Now I have heard some crazy stuff in my time but I find it amazing how much stupid shit people say when they are angry that just doesn't make sense. In my most recent temp job I occasionally have to cover for the receptionist. When I do we get calls from people who are complaining about the automated call that they get requesting donations. Let me make this clear, I understand that any kind of donation request can be annoying. It's like paying a bill on guilt. Send us 10 dollars a month... OR SOME ONE DIES!!! Granted that's not a charity's slogan, that I know of anyway, but the emotional blackmail that is used buy some of the charity adds I have seen are a little over the top.


Now as I recall it this is how the phone call went. The words in italics are what I thought but not what I said.

Me: **Charity's Name**! How can I direct your call?

Caller: Is this the **Charity's Name**?

Me: I just said that. Yes it is.

Caller: Is this an actual person?

Me: No, I'm a figment of your imagination. Yes, how can I help you?

Caller: Well I just want you to know that I have been getting repeated calls from you sometimes 2 and 3 times a day.

Me: I'm sorry sir...

Caller: I think this is harassment I have never donated your charity I have no intention of donating to your charity and you have to change the automated system because it's sexist.

Me: WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Excuse me sir?

Caller: This is a gay house hold and the automated system constantly asks for Ms. ****. This has to be changed.

Me: Just one moment. You ass.


Now the reason why I find this stupid is I work for a charity who does research into the prevention of birth defects. Now to say you have no intention to donate to a charity where you will never have to deal directly with the problems they are trying to fight is a person’s choice. To act as a spokesman for all gays and lesbians is moronic and if he was speaking just on his behalf why the fuck would anybody care about a guy who has no intention to donate. It's like going to a restaurant telling them how to cook but never ordering the food. I'm sure what he was saying was more out of frustration than any real animosity towards the charity but it just constantly amazes me the shit people say with out thinking.

Conversation with my Boss

Boss: Eric make sure you turn off the X-ray machine when it's not in use. I don't want your balls glowing at night.
Eric: Are you kidding I live by power lines. My balls have been glowing since 2005.

Boss: Well at least you never have to worry when you take a leak at night.

Eric: Yeah, but it's a bitch and a half when I'm having sex. It looks like there is a strobe light in the room. I think that's why I fuck to techno music.

Boss: I couldn't do that. I hate techno, it would make me loose my hard on.

Eric: Play it low, maybe you will only let you last longer.

Boss: Are you kidding? My wife doesn't want me to fuck her as it is. If I try to make it last longer she may cut me off all together.

Eric: Well I told you let me fuck her I’ll make sure I'm bad and she'll appreciate you more.

Boss: I said ok but you have to do it on your own time. I'm not paying you to fuck my wife.

Eric: Well you don't want an amateur fucking her.

Boss: Eric just go turn of the fucking X-Ray machine.


There are certain advantages having a boss with a sense of humor from the Bronx, more so if you both went to the same high school.

Skyline

Strange lights descend on the city of Los Angeles, drawing people outside like moths to a flame where an extraterrestrial force threatens to swallow the entire human population off the face of the Earth.


That is the synopsis on IMDB. for The movie Skyline. The real synopsis should have been “Movie shines bright lights and blows shit up just to take your money away.” I’m not a huge Monster movie fan. Some I like, some I don’t, but I just felt this movie was so lacking in direction and plot that I really didn’t care about the characters. I had more fun finding similarities to other movie, not that that was exactly fun just something to do while I killed time waiting for the movie to end.

You start off the movie being introduced to a couple from New York , played by Eric Balfour and Scottie Thompson, that you realize are having problems but you are not quite sure what the problems are other than maybe vague money problem. I think Jarrod (Balfour) was suppose to be an artist who was visiting a friend in LA who has made it big doing special affects in LA played by Donald Faison. But again this all unclear, you know the 2 of them used to do graffiti when they were younger but you never know if Jarrod is still an artist or not. When Terry (Faison) offers Jarrod a job you are never quite sure why Elaine (Thompson) reacts so badly. I mean if he is struggling and they need the money what’s the problem? Take the job. If he is not struggling why does Jarrod look so depressed all the time. I just never got a feel for the characters And quite frankly I never card.

See the movie never makes you feel for these people because they feel like copy of other characters. It’s almost as if the filmmakers decided hey here are some people feel bad for them as we chase them with monsters. What do you mean you don’t care about 5 random people at a party in LA who are being chased by monsters? You cared about them in Cloverfield didn’t you? This is the same movie we just moved it to LA. Oh don’t worry we have a twist at the end so we can make sequels. Probably going straight to video but you’ll watch them... You know you will.

Overall I would say the movie is not really worth checking out unless you happen to catch it on some cable channel, late at night, when you can’t sleep and your only other choice is a Carrot Top marathon.

Final Grade: D+

Random Quotes and statuses,

Eric: So I heard the Catholic Church has a new rule about Homosexuality
Bryant: Yeah you can be attracted to the same sexyou just can’t act on it.
JP: That’s stupid.
Eric: Yeah but the craziest part is when I was growing up they said that even thinking something bad was bad.
JP: Hell, if your going to get punished for thinking it, why not just do it?
Wilson: Cause thinking it and doing it are not on the same level.
Eric: Yeah I mean that’s the whole impure thoughts sin.
JP: So thinking impure thoughts is a sin.
Eric: Except if they're homosexual now. I’m beginning to think the church is Pro-homosexual and this is a weird version of reverse psychology.
Wilson: What do you mean?
Eric: I can’t think about getting a blowjob from someone unless it’s from a guy... That’s fucked up.
Bryant: No it’s not.
Wilson: Well not for you.


***************************************************************


Me: Why do you always ask me to do favors for you in Spanish?
Mom: Cause I am too short.
Me: You're too short to speak the English language?
Mom: Yes... Wait... What???
(FYI She started answering before I finished the Question. She must have thought I was going to ask something else.)


***************************************************************

Woman X : "Do you have any kids?"
Me: "No, Not yet."
Woman X: "Really?"
Me: "Really."
Woman X: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Lady you know something I don't know? It's not that hard to put a rubber on. I've been doing it for years."


***************************************************************

Wilson: “Of course she is a bitch look how skinny she is. When you don't eat it makes you mean, that's why starving people never do comedy."



***************************************************************

Mom: We need to put up a fence around my vegetable garden.
Eric: How Big?
Mom:Tall enough to keep the animals & Mexicans out.
Eric: What?
Mom: You know the Mexicans who do the lawn.
Eric: You mean the landscaping crew?
Mom: Yes, Them.
Eric: If the fence down in Texas doesn't keep them out I don't think I can build anything taller... Unless I hired Mexicans to help me.
Mom: No I just want them to know where my garden is so they don't mess it up.
Eric: You know you could of said that in the beginning.
Mom: I did, you are the one that makes everything complicated



***************************************************************

Matt:"Good Pizza is the closest a man can get to Having a multiple orgasms."
Randy: "No the closest thing would be if you can have pizza & Sex at the same time."
Matt: "I tried that the problem is if you are any good the girl moves to much and the box falls off her back."
Randy: "Great, Now I don't know if I'm horny or hungry."


***************************************************************

Marc:"How long do you have to be seeing someone before you fart in front of them?"
Eric: "You are asking the wrong person. I went away for a weekend with a girl and nearly died. When I finally got home I created a mushroom cloud that blew up the house."
Marc: "Oh I remember that weekend... Is that what killed the cat?"


***************************************************************

Dad: "Your dressing like you are looking for a Ho."
Me: "No, I'm looking for a sugar momma."
Mom: "They don't exist."
Me: "Don't ruin my dreams."


***************************************************************

My mom to my brother "You are your fathers son & your mothers daughter." That was not an accident.


***************************************************************


My Dad: "Me and your mother have a great sex life, we practice S&M. She sleeps, and I masturbate. Then we switch."

***************************************************************

Mom: “I don't know why that priest was so mean, maybe he couldn't get his daily dose of alter boy.”


***************************************************************

While driving my mom and dad to the airport my dad spent 15 minutes talking to my mom telling her things they had to take care of. Unfortunatly my mom had her headphones in and didn't hear a word she said.
Dad: That explains why it was the most peaceful conversation we ever had.
Mom: Shut the fuck up and get on the plain before I tell the cops you have Weed in your underwear.

***************************************************************


My dad: "Every guy has had a moment in there life when they are talking to a woman and realize she is crazy. At that moment you weigh the hotness factor vs. the possible danger. One night while on a first date I realized that my date was just bat shit crazy and I should run... And If I had listened to that impulse you wouldn't be here." And that's how my dad explained true love to me. No wonder I'm so messed up.

***************************************************************

Mom: I'm so short.
Dad: I know that's why I married you. I wanted a wife I could talk down to.


***************************************************************

Eric: We just need to get Bryant a Black midget.
Wilson: They prefer the term Halfrican America.


***************************************************************

Eric: As soon as the Civil War story arc is over I think I will have Jay do a review on it.Wilson: Make sure he knows its Marvels Civil war (not the real one)
Wilson giggles and than starts to cough.
Eric: That’s god punishing you.
Wilson: I thought you were God’s punishment.


***************************************************************

After seeing the movie: Four Brothers
Eric: (To Fernando) We know your Andre Benjamin, who’s Tyrese,
Fernando looks at Marc.
Marc: Yeah if anybody is going to be banging La Vida Loca.
Fernando: I was thinking you would be most likely to get chased by an angry boyfriend.
Eric: Well that means JP is Jack.
JP: Nah, I don’t want to die.
Marc: We’re not going to reenact the movie; we’re just talking about characteristics.
Fernando: I guess that makes you Mark Wahlberg.
Eric: Yeah that Makes sense. I am the most likely to throw someone out a window.




Starting in 2011 I wll try to put up a monthly collection of my tweets, Statuses and funny conversations.

I am a perv & damn proud of it.

Recently a woman I work with called me a “Horn Dog” because I said I like to have sex. Personally the title did not bother me so much as the tone in which it was said. I never said I sleep around indiscriminately, I never said that I don’t get to know my partners. I just said given a choice of what to do with my free time I would prefer to try to make a girl scream in ecstasy. (I admitted that wasn’t likely to occur because I will most likely fall asleep in 10 minutes, but I’m always trying.)

Now because she would rather spend her time shopping and I’d rather get some nookie, I’m the freak.


PS No I do not think sex is the most important thing in the world but I do think if done right it is the most fun.

I lOvE My fRIenDS, TheY n0t 0nLy PutuP w i t h m y INSANITIES TheY Enc0Ur@ge THeM!

This is an actual conversation as best as I can recall it between me and my buddy.  Of course I am going crazy so I could have imagined it. 

ME: I finally figured out why I attract crazy women.

MT: This should be interesting, go on.

ME: So I'm with this girl and she starts to go into this whole tirade about how the rain is a sign god is mad at us and how another flood is coming.

MT: Seriously???

ME: I wish I could make this stuff up. After I spend the next 20 minutes explaining that it's not raining everywhere and if God really wanted to start over he might not use the same trick.  I mean he's god I'm sure he can find a dozen other ways to wipe us out with out having to repeat himself.  I don't want to believe god is all powerful but not very creative. Anyway I look over and this Japanese guy is taking pictures of me and her.  

MT: You sure it was you? Maybe it was something next to you?

ME: Why would anyone want to take a picture of the Manhattan skyline?  Anyway I figure I must be on a reality show like the Truman show and I'm like a huge celeb in Japan.

MT: Actually it's in Germany and if I could get you to autograph some of your t-shirts I can finish paying for grad school. I bought my new car with the money I got from selling all your socks.
 
ME: I told you someone stole them!!!

The Early Years with my Brother

I should have known my brother Marc would be the biggest pain in my ass when I was 10. You see, there is an 8 years age difference so it was not uncommon for me to watch over my brother when he was younger; my mother would often just have me entertain him while she cooked or cleaned. One day I was laying on the floor while my brother is playing with a plastic cup. Not just any cup, but my Nestle Quick bunny mug which required 6 proof of purchases and shipping and handling to get it... and it was worth every penny. I mean this thing had been around for 5 years and had never even chipped. Even with my brother using it to beat the floor it never seemed to scuff.

So there I am, playing with my brother while he is sitting on my stomach, remember he isn't even 2 yet, and he is banging the cup on anything nearby. He is enjoying the sound it makes so much and he is quiet so I let him. I am actually paying more attention to cartoons than my brother. My mistake, he starts to bang it on other things, the table leg, the chair, my teeth.

That’s right, my teeth, now when this happened for some reason he started crying, it might have been the large amount of blood that came spurting from my mouth, it might be the realization in his infantile mind that he screwed up, but for whatever reason he started wailing away like I had just stabbed him. My mother who was alerted to the fact that something was wrong came into the room at that moment.

She took one look at me covered in my own blood and one look at my brother who was crying. And in that second the tone of my life was set. My mother who had given birth to both of us and loved me supposedly, didn’t spend a second to look at me. Instead she ran over and picked my brother up to make sure he was all right, meanwhile I ran to the sink and gathered the bits of teeth I had left.

As I was cleaning my teeth my mother comes over and asked me what I did to Marc. When I responded “HE HIT ME WITH MY OWN CUP!!!” She responded “Well don’t get any blood on the towels they’re new.”

10 minutes later I’m sitting there with Paper towels pressed against my gums praying that the bleeding will stop while my mom is calling a dentist and there is my brother sitting on the floor. Grinning and playing with my Stuffed Digum banging it against the floor wondering why it’s not making noise.

This son of a bitch knocked out my teeth than smiled about it.

I should have known than the problems he would cause me but a few years later he would prove his worth. See I grew up this weird kind of poor in The Bronx. I mean I went to a catholic school but we still got government cheese. Somehow my family was able to pull scams that allowed us to live beyond our means. We moved several times and at one point we were in a converted garage. As near as we could tell the house had a driveway that pulled into the back yard where there was a 2 car garage for the main house. The owner walled up the garage which became the master bedroom and what would have been the chauffeurs apartment was the 2nd floor (Don’t forget the Bronx used to be a wealthy area and some of the old houses are still around.)

So one year for Christmas my dad got us hand made bunk beds. Hand made was big when I was growing up because it was usually cheaper. Some guy would owe my dad money or a favor but would never be able to pay if off. So instead he had them do him a favor like make him bunk beds for his kids. My dad paid for the wood and we ended up with a set of bunk beds that look like they came from an old Pirate ship. Luckily it was sturdy for me and my brother.

Anyway, my brother had outgrown his baby bed, which was coated in a protective plastic layer in case his pissed himself at night. Before you start snickering he was a little kid and had a fairly good command of his bladder at the time. Hence the reason he was moving into a bunk bed. He must have been around 4 or 5 and he was supposed to be helping me get rid of his mattress but the mattress slipped while bringing it down the stairs, and slid all the way to the front door.

What??? The mattress slides down the stairs? I mean it really just flew down the stairs. Marc and I looked at each other and than at the mattress and a little cartoon light bulb lit up over both our heads. What if we sat on it and slid down the stares. Not being stupid I let my brother test it first, and it worked like a dream. We never had a sled but for a half hour my brother and I slid down the stairs down a 10 foot hall and stopped at the front door. Than I got the idea why don’t we open the front door.

This increased the fun factor by 3.5, a significant number considering all we did was open a door. I mean unless you are walking into trampoline night at the playboy mansion very few times will you open a door and things will be 3 times as fun. See it was winter and we hadn’t had real snow but decided that this was as close to sledding as we were going to get. So now we were sliding out the front door.

My mother being the keen observer that she was (and the fact that it was time for a commercial) found us sitting at the top of the stair ready to take off.

“What are you doing?” she screamed, at the time I couldn’t tell if she was surprised or angry. In my house it was learned early on if you can get mom or dad laughing the punishment will be lessened. The flip side is that if you swung and missed you were going to get a beat down.

My brother not missing a beat simply said ”you want to try?”, and she did! Some how my brother has always been able to get away with things with a grin and a wink. This was the first time I saw it in action.

So now me, my brother and MY MOTHER are taking rides on that mattress. In later years I would be able to manipulate my brother into using his powers for my benefit, but at that moment he proved his worth and that’s the reason I keep him around till this day.

Geek, Nerd or Dork?

          OK It looks like people need an explanation on some very important terms.  The other day I was called a nerd by a friend of mine.  Now I wasn’t offended so much as confused, since I am not a nerd.  I’m not a nerd nor am I a dork, what I am is a geek and damn proud of it, but it seems no one seems to realize that there is an actual difference between a Nerd, a Dork and a Geek.  So here I am to set it straight.

Nerds are fairly easy to spot in an academic setting.  They are the guys trashing the curve studying on a Friday and a Saturday night.  Back in the day they carried pocket protectors and slide rules (I’m old, go look it up) now they carry... actually I’m not sure what they cary that’s different and i don’t hang around high schools, ever since the restraining order, but no matter what the time period the key to a nerd is a thirst for knowledge and academic success.  Most nerds are associated with glasses, computers and some love of math but that is only the most famous breed.   I have met English nerds who have found great thrill in reading Canterbury Tales, Ulysses and read the Russian masters for fun, I look at those and think “Kill me”.  Thanks to NY Public Libraries having such a wide range of Video’s I never had to worry about it.  I went to school with one kid who figured out how to ask for oral sex in Latin, I guess in case he went back in time. These are Nerds.  

A dork is some one who is socially inept, and don’t even know it. Somewhere along the line they never developed that little filter that says this may not be appropriate to share.  The biggest problem for dorks is they never out grew there dorky stage.  Every person has an awkward stage.  It’s just a part of growing up.  As you get older and you learn different things you realize not everyone has the same interests as you.  So maybe if you are that creepy kid who likes to play with spiders and snakes you don’t share that on a first date.  Or maybe you don’t tell a person who you are trying to make friends with about the last bout of diarea. As you grow up you learn what info you can share and what you may want to keep to yourself... except for dorks.  It’s ok that you like to make Dioramas of great moments in time using stuffed bunnies just keep it to your self for now. (I mean the kind taxidermist make not the kind you give to kids... or at least I hope you don’t give them to kids)  The people who never learn what is and isn’t socially acceptable, These are dorks.  

Now geeks... geeks are my people.  I have a kinship for anyone who is a geek because long ago when I read my first comic i realized i was one.  Now the key to a geek is not what they like... but how much they like it.  A guy with over 10,000 comic books is no different than a guy who goes to every home game of his favorite team dressed in a his team jersey driving a car with a vanity plate with the teams logo on it and if he isn’t married the guy has a ton of sport memorabilia around the house.  If he is married it’s all in one room unless, she is also a sports geek.  It’s the extremes that people take there hobbies to that makes them a geek.  Dressing up like a Klingon or a baseball player,  going to see star wars 187 times or seeing he same band 187 times,  Waiting in line all day to get an autograph from Angelina Jolie cause she was Laura croft or waiting in line all day to get an autograph from Angelina Jolie cause... well she’s fucking Angelina Jolie! I would wait in line to drink her bath water... but I’m digressing.  Anyway the point is these extremists who have found something that gives them joy even when it’s bad (ask me about the superman remake one day)  these are my people.

Now before I leave you just so there is some clarification I know some of you are wondering is there any overlapping.  The answer is hell yes! It is this over lapping that gives geeks a bad name.  See if you have a guy who is a geek and a dork you immediately assume all geeks are like that, but no most of the smart ones know to keep our geek habbits to ourselves.  A perfect example of this is the Drew Barrymore, Jimmy Fallon movie Fever Pitch.  Jimmy Fallon is a sports geek he has a good job, he charming, he’s funny but when it comes to the Red Sox he loses his damn mind.  I know guys who are like that with collectible card games, Comic books or Video Games... I myself nearly spent 150.00 on a game.  Not a game system, a fucking GAME!!! If I had the money I would have bought it with out a second thought.  I mean it’s HALO of course I would have spent the money.  

Anyway I hope this little guide has helped you and in the future make sure to insult people correctly. 

Strangest Temp Job... So far.

So I start off on Monday and get there bright and early at 8:30, I asked for Mickey like the agency said,  but it's a new guard and he doesn't know who Mickey is, so I wait around for about a half hour till the receptionist gets there.  Now I have done a few temp assignments before and they always start a little rough but this one was just weird.  Now keep in mind I'm not in the best of shapes and I was never built for speed, I was built for stealth,  but to hear the guys I am working with complain about bending over and picking boxes I realize that these guys just like to complain. 


Anyway Joey who is the only one there shows me the mail room and where everything is.  I quickly realize that all he really does is wait till packages come in.  He gets what I would consider a fairly light mailing that day for an organization as big as his but hey everyone is used to different things.  So when he starts saying that they got hit hard today all I kept thinking is "This is going to be a breeze."  I soon regret that thought.  During the course of the day I find out all this guy does on a regular basis is receive, separate and  deliver all the incoming mail and deliveries and prep all out going mail.  A heavy mail day was when I prepped 800 envelopes that had to go out for a promotional.  Now by prep I mean run it through a machine that stamps it and seals it in less than an hour... and that was going deliberately slow cause there wasn't more to this job.

What amazed me was that this company has a facility management team made up of 7 people.  One supervisor, 1 engineer, 1 handy man, 1 mail room supervisor (Mickey who never showed up) 1 supply manager (Joey The guy who trained me) and 1 mail clerk (Freddie Who I was covering for)  and the receptionist.  The only reason I was hired was really to cover the receptionists break while the clerk was out on medical apparently he normally covers her breaks.  I was never introduced to the supervisor but I could figure out who he was by the way everyone acted when he showed up.  A lot of people saying "Look busy."  The handy man who was only there 2 months had been trying to find things to do he was so bored.  In the 2 Months he had been there he had repainted the light poles in the parking light repaired the broken power washer, power washed the entire building, repaired the elevator lights cleaned the outside camera housings, railings and generally did in 2 months what people who had worked there 15 years had never seen done. I never met the engineer but I think I saw him walking around.  The receptionist I discovered was watching episodes of Charmed when no one was around.  I think you are seeing a pattern here. No on had anything to do.

Now Joey, the guy who trained me was a little weird.  He had this short haired charlie Manson look about himself that disturbed me.  Add to the fact that he talks a lot and a I mean a lot, anyone who has hung out with me knows I talk a lot but I know that I will at least pause so the person I am talking to gets a word in.  Not with this guy.  I honestly believe I could have left and he would have kept talking.  But the guy didn't seem bad just a little weird.  I think what made it worse was he doesn't look at you, he looks to your side. as if he was talking to your shadow or some ghost that only he could see.

So I go back on day 2 for more of the same.,. but when I get there at 8:30 I figure I got a few minutes so I grab some breakfast sit down and eat,  and wait.  I see a few papers there I  sort those to who they go to and wait.... and wait... and wait... I finally find out that Joey doesn't show up till after 10 because he has a standing allergy shot he has to get on a weekly basis.  I find this out and proceed to try and find something to do.  Since I don't have any Internet connection All I can do is write in my mini Moleskin note book a couple of strips for the "8 spot".  There is just nothing to do.  There is so much down time I am literally burning out my blackberry texting friends and what makes things worse is they are hinting that this might turn into a permanent gig.  I need a job but I don't know if I could handle doing this all day with nothing else to do.  I mean if I had access to the Internet maybe... but truthfully I don't know if I could have handled it.

All these things leave my brain on the third day.  When I get there wait for an hour and Joey shows up and than Freddie shows up.  Now the first thing I think is what am I going to do if the guy I am covering for is there.  Than I hear this guy has some sort of medical condition and that is why they called me to come in,  they weren't sure if he was coming back.  Now apparently there was something shady about his medical but since he had all the paperwork he couldn't be fired, they were just hoping that he wouldn't come back.  So there I am sitting around helping a guy who I was supposed to replace and what sucks is I was doing the job better than him and he knew it.  He didn't say anything but he felt that I was a threat until I told him this was my last day.  It was so weird that when I got lunch I just drove around rather than eat cause I needed to clear my head.  I honestly felt like the day couldn't have been any weirder.  I almost thought I was on a reality show but it wasn't funny enough... just strange.  At one point one of the voices in my head just said "You know after you are done showing him up at his job why don't you just ask him if he needs pointers on satisfying his woman to."


It's sad that I am out of work and when they didn't ask me to come back I was ok.

The Hook Up

Ok I have started to develop another Comic strip idea and I am looking to the Web for inspiration. The new strip will focus on dating and relationships. As much as I enjoy writing @ The 8 Spot there are few chances to get into relationships. While i do get to dip into those themes sometimes I wanted to do something a little more about relationships. As such I am asking people to contribute there worse date story. You can either write it below or Email it to me privately at Section8comics@gmail.com.

And since i am asking for your stories I will tell you one of mine. It’s not exactly a date story but I think it’s funny.

So a few years ago I was in a wedding party in upstate new york. I have no idea where exactly all I do know was that except for my blood related family I was the only person of color for at least a half hour. So this was one of my first weddings where I was in the wedding party and I had heard that weddings make women horny so I’m thinking great maybe I can hook up. Than I find out I have to be there the night before because the wedding party has an entire bed and breakfast rented out. So the night before the wedding there are about 10 to 15 of us hanging out guys and girls. All the parents and kids who are to young have gone to sleep whle we were hanging out at the hall where the reception will be held. It was on the same property as the bed and breakfast and the Groom had gotten keys

So there we are dancing, drinking and just having a good ole time. When one of the guys mentions going to the lake, maybe do some moonlight skinny dipping. I wasn’t sure till this cute brunette named meredith comes up to me and says “come on it will be fun.” So like most guys who think with there penises I said “sure why not.” Now I am not a heavy drinker but I had a few glasses of wine and it gave me the courage to be a little smoother than I usually am.

We get down to the lake and I think Me and meredith are hitting it of fine. By fine I mean that I think I am going to get some. Since the only light out is moonlight no one sees that we are making out in our own corner.

Now I don’t have many rules when it comes to women but most of mine are non-debatable. One Safe sex is a must, I don’t know you that well I don’t care if you say it’s ok I am using a condom. Hell even with some of the girls I have known long time I will use a condom just to be safe. Second I don’t care if you have a boy friend but if you are married I am not messing with you. I will never cheat, but if a girl wants to get her freak on with me and she has a boy friend that is not my problem but the minute she is married she is off the market. I will never contribute to the destruction of a marriage. Third no one under 18... that’s not really my rule it’s something the government came up with.

Anyway Meredith seemed ready and she says lets go for a walk I quickly check for my wallet and realize that I left my wallet in my bag, in my room. which wouldn’t be a big deal except that’s where I had my condoms. I tell her give me 5 minutes I need to just get some protection. She says “hurry Back.” and that’s exactly what I do, but apparently 4 minutes was too long for her cause she has gone missing.

I ask around casually and one girl goes “Oh Meredith probably went into the woods with Tony.”
“What?”
“Yeah, Tony is Meredith’s Ex.”
“WHAT?”
“I just hope that Bobby doesn’t find out tomorrow.”
“who is Bobby?”
“Meredith's husband.”
“WHAT!”

Yes Meredith was married. I was so upset over this I decide to finish of several bottles of wine.

The next day at the wedding I only really remembered 2 things. Sweating out the alcohol while wearing a tuxedo in the hot June sun. And that Bobby was wearing a Charles Manson t-shirt to a wedding. Granted he did not actually attend the ceremony just showed up to pick up Meredith but it made an impression.

So again if you want to send me one of your stories. Post it here or contact me at Section8Comics@gmail.com

IT'S ALL FUN & GAMES...

The clip below is a little accident that happened during a prank war at the Wizard Con at Philly '06. It started at the Chili's near the convention center. I sent my check to the table that JP, Bryant, Julien and Marc were eating at. They, in response, sent their check to our table, a check that was about 3 times the amount they had originally sent to the kiddie table. 

In retaliation I walked over and slapped the bill on Julien's forehead where it stayed glued to his forehead.

The next day Marc and the rest decided to make it look like someone had broke into the room and stolen our stuff. In actuality they just made a mess. 

After I stopped laughing at the mess they made, I put on an angry face and yelled at them and read them the riot act so they would clean the room. Later that night while Wilson, D, Tom Chu and Bryant (AKA Lanky) were watching a Star Wars movie I sneaked into the other hotel room and stole all there soap, shampoo, deodorant and toothpaste. When they discovered this the next morning they accused Lanky of betraying them to the other room, than they took the following steps.

Ghetto Games Part 1

I think one of the things I miss most about being a kid was Ghetto Games. For those of you who didn't grow up poor. A ghetto game was something you could pay with little money. Footballs and baseballs are not that cheap but could usually be stolen from a school or a youth center, if you were slick enough. For the more God fearing kids some would just save up their allowance and trust me at $2-$5.00 a week that could be a long wait. Or that could be your one gift it was Christmas. So on a block with 10 kids at least one would have a football or a basketball. Now you never really needed anything other than a ball to play a game in the ghetto in the 80's. Except maybe a spray paint can.

See basketball is supposed to be played with a hoop. But sometimes the hoops would be stolen from the parks. Enter the spray paint can. You get a spray-paint can, which any body could get for cheap, you find any flat surface where you could draw a small box slightly larger that the ball at roughly hoop height. Than if you want to be fancy you lay out a half court in front of the wall but more often we used things like sewer caps and light poles as our markers for out of bounds. So it's entirely possible that you could get checked into a brick wall a light pole or an oncoming car, depending on how close the score is.

With stickball if you could find an empty lot to play with a wall you didn't need a catcher, because the wall became the catcher. See you paint a box on the wall that was roughly the size of a torso to create a "batters box. If you pitched the ball and the batter did not swing but you got it in the box it was counted a strike, and the ball would usually bounce back. So paint was actually pretty helpful in setting up some of the rules.

But the game I played the most was Street Football. The super bowl has nothing compared to the intensity of a simple game of street football. People would actually come out to see us play and would root for different players. There was no such things as teams cause we were all from the same block so 2 guys would choose up teams. And it would usually be 6 to 10 kids playing and each game was just as important and different as the next or last. Now we usually played 2-hand touch but that does not mean it was a gentle game. In fact I have a dent in my head named after Street football.

See what happened was it was a 3 on 3 game and we were down by 2 TDs and time was running out. (meaning the sun would be going down soon) And I'm not a fast guy but I used to have pretty good hands. So John (the QB) was going for a Hail Mary and I was running as fast as I could go trying to catch that damn football. I see it. Hell, I can fucking taste it, because I know I can make this catch. I just have to jump up and we'll be one more TD closer to a tie and if we tie at least we can't get bitched out. Because we all know bragging rights are the most important thing when you are growing up.

So I'm running, I'm seeing the ball, I'm running, I'm running, I jump... and than I wake up with my cousins and friends standing over me saying "is he dead?" "I don't know but who's going to tell his aunt?" "John can tell her, Eric's his cousin." "If he's dead can I have his kicks?"

"You're not taking my sneakers." I say as I start to become aware of my surroundings. Now as near as I can piece together after I jumped I went head first into light pole. And knocked my self the fuck out. The cool thing is I had just performed such an incredible stunt in the fact that I had stood back up and was willing to play some more, I didn't want to be called a bitch. But John and Randy wouldn't let me. Since my aunt was a nurse they made me go tell her what had happened while they hid. All in all it was a great game, even with the bleeding from the ear.

From behind the table: It’s Fucking Street Meat!!!

This one doesn’t really qualify as behind the table but screw it, I’m writing it, I can put what ever I want.  I could put the alphabet backwards if I wanted to… You can’t stop me.

What has quickly become one of the staples of the Comic book convention scene is the New York Comic Con. Considering that in 2006 was the first Convention it has grown in size to rival the San Diego Comic con, a Convention that has been around since 1970 and I say it’s a better con… mainly cause I’m from New York, but seriously we have the head quarters to Marvel and DC, we have the Museum of Natural History and we have Section 8 Comics (oh come on, how could I not plug my company). 

What we also have is some of the best food in the world and while most people know about the street vendors and how you can get hot Dogs and pretzels but what some people may not realize is depending on the place and time you can also find street vendors selling roasted nuts, Italian sausage, piraguas (Spanish snow cones), ice cream and chicken, beef or lamb shish kabobs.   One such shish kabob cart is stationed outside of the Jacob Javits center home to the New York Comic Con.  It’s also the site of the following conversation during the 2009 New York con.  Please note Customer 2 was dressed up as a Jedi.

Vendor:    What would you like?
Customer 1:    Is this Pork?
Vendor:    No we have Chicken, Beef and Lamb.  No pork. What would you like? 
Customer 1:     Is it Kosher?
Vendor:    Yes it’s all Kosher. What do you want?
Customer 1:    Are you sure?
Vendor:    Yes all kosher, all very good.  There are people behind you, what kind of Shish Kabob do you want?
Customer 1:    Cause I’m Jewish and I can only eat Kosher food.
Customer 2:    Order your damn food or I will shove my light saber up your ass.  It’s fucking Street Meat! You’re lucky if it’s not a womp rat!

No I Don't Want to be Rich

So I was working a Convention in a museum with my Business Partner Wilson.  As soon as Wilson stepped away for a moment this rather studious looking gentleman came up and I went into the whole spiel about our books and what I had to sell.  After I mention that I'm also the company owner the following conversation occurs.

Science Geek:         So you started your own company so you could have your ideas published?
Me:            Pretty much.   I also try to help other writers and artists.
Science Geek:        Well I have this great idea see I am a geologist and there is so many great stories that can be created.  Especially when you add in all that we know about various dinosaurs and animals that are extinct but because their skeletons are preserved in rocks we really have a wealth of data…
Me:            Well we have a submissions page on our website so you could send me a proposal. (I hand him one of our flyers with our website on it.)
Science geek:        I don’t have the time to write it and I’m not really a writer but I figured if I gave you the idea when it sells we could split the money.
Me:            Wait you want me to write a story based on your knowledge of science but you don’t have a character concept, a story or even the time to write up a proposal.  Than I have to spend my money to get artists to work on it and hope it hits big so I can give half to you? 
Science Geek:        Yeah, it will make you millions. I know it! 
Me:            Thank you but that doesn’t seem like a project that I would be interested in working on.
Science Geek:        Don’t you want to be Rich?
Me:            No, No I don’t. 

The Last Tough Generation

Now this will sound a little like bragging but I believe I came from the last tough generation in history. I'm sure everyone says that this is just part of the whole "kids have it so easy today blah blah blah." No this has nothing to do with that. Each generation will always have it slightly easier than the one before, that's just the nature of time, technology and the normal human desire to see there kids live easier than themselves. This has more to do with seeing a difference in the way kids are raised today. See I grew up with all these stories of serial killers who were all abused and molested. So somewhere along the way a logic jump was made that we can’t discipline our children physically. Which is some bullshit. Everyone learns through positive and negative reinforcement I don't care what scientist, sociologist or any other fucking "ist" says. If you learn that if you do good things good thing happen you keep doing good things and the opposite is true. If a child knows that if he is disrespectful to his elders he will get the shit kicked out of him he tends to be more respectful.

One night while stopped at a red light two little shits walking across the street stopped in front of the car to talk to some one else. When the light turned red I honked the horn. The kids moved to the side but as I started to move one of the little failed abortion started yelling at me "Why you fucking honking your horn!!!" I stopped my car and started to back up the kid started moving fast and there is no way I am going to win a foot race with 14-year-old punk. In retrospect I should have hit him with the car.

When I was growing up I would never have mouthed off to some body... Hell I wouldn't of stopped in front of a car at a green light. Why? I been hit a lot by the time I was 16 and I learned i didn't like that.  See my dad was a hard drinking partier who didn't always come home, but we knew which bars to find him if we needed to. My mom was slightly more responsible but much more bitter about having to watch her own kids.

So it was not uncommon for my brother and I to be shipped to my aunt's house while my dad and mom "went to go see a man about a horse." I always wondered what fucking horse till I figured out they were going to party so hard that they didn't want to kids to see them wrecked the next day and that must have been fucking Olympic levels of debauchery cause I have seen my parents fucked up so many times that whatever happened on "those" weekends must be something so spectacular that I can only imagine animal erotica was involved. And trust me that image has often made me wonder if I should just eat a bullet rather than contemplate it as far as I have.

Anyway on a number of occasions I would eventually screw up in some way while my father was in some form of intoxication and I would eventually be beat. My parents don't remember these disciplinary steps to well but I do. By the time I graduated High school I had been hit with my fathers hand, a belt, a switch (A type of branch), a phone chord, a phone, a shoe, a can opener (Both kinds), a frying pan, a portable radio, the bible, a base ball bat, a can of creamed corn (closed), a plastic bottle of baby powder, a soft ball (there not really soft) A chanqlueta (flip flops), a Frisbee, a car and a few other items. By the way I am missing gaps from my childhood memory.

The other thing you have to realize was that it was totally acceptable for someone else to discipline your child. Granted my grandmother may have been a little crazy and gone too far on occasion. She would beat her grandchildren for the slightest thing. I remember getting beat because I was crying from a beating I had received 5 minutes earlier. Yeah the bitch was crazy in her later years she became a nice old lady but I know the truth she is trying to trick god so she can get into heaven. Hippies like to use the phrase it takes a village to raise a child. But kids from my neighborhood knew that it took an entire block to beat a kid's ass.

See not only could you not fuck up in front of your parents, you couldn't fuck up in front of your parents' friends cause they would smack you around a few times than tell your parent. So now you get beat for fucking up as well as embarrassing your parents in front of others. The worse thing is I know that my growing up was fairly tame compared to other kids. See these events were not daily. And I deserved to be disciplined but what would happen is the punishment would not match the incident. I grew up with kids who would just get beat for walking in the house. See I never viewed my life as the victim of abuse. Some people may disagree with me but to me that was just the price I paid for being a brat. But I knew kids who used to get hot irons to their backs. Cigarettes put out on them. See the difference between me and those kids were that even when they didn't do anything wrong. While I may not agree with my parents over how I was punished I've learned to understand that I should have been disciplined. Not necessarily with a can opener, than again I was a pretty big kid...

Dangers of Being a Geek

I have been a geek for a long time and it's not easy, although it is almost always fun. Now you have to understand that while most people immediately think of Geek as a nerd that dresses in a Storm Trooper costume and goes to some sort of geek conventions. This is not the definition of a geek but merely an example. A geek is some one who takes any thing to an extreme. Yes you too might be a geek. Guys who go to weekly meeting of fantasy foot ball wearing some sort of uniform are geeks. People who go to kiss concerts dressed as members of kiss are geeks. And anytime you step outside of the norm you run a risk of being ostracized. But sometimes there are hidden dangers that people don't realize.

Like the Batman urban myth.

I first heard this story when my friends mother broke out laughing while reading a dear Abby column. As the story goes a guy coming home heard a woman calling out "help! Help!" The guy knocked on the door and asked if everything was ok and the woman said she could not open the door. because she was tied up. After breaking down the door the guy finds the young lady is tied to her bed dressed as a sexy robin while her husband dressed as batman is unconscious on the floor. Apparently The couple were enjoying some sex games where the husband was supposed to jump from the dresser onto the bed but hit the ceiling and knocked himself out leaving the wife tied up.

What makes this so funny to me is the whole conversation that brought this up.

"Honey tonight could we try something a little freaky?"

"Like what?"

"Well I was thinking we could dress up in costume tonight."

"Do you want e to be a hooker again?"

"Well I was thinking we could do something from comics"

"Ohh can I be cat woman or maybe Wonder woman."

"Well I was thinking more boy wonderish."

I wish this was the only crazy sex story I have ever heard involving geeks but well there is the whole world of Furries and Plushies. If you don't know what this is these are people who dress up as animals for fun. Now not all of them engage in kinky sex acts but some really get off on the idea pf doing it as an animal. As such some of the costumes can be really intricate. Well as the rumor goes one guy who was rather large and just getting into it had a really intricate panda suit made. While engaging in some carnal delights he didn't take into account how hot the costume got. Apparently not wanting to stop and get a glass of water he just kept going until he passed out.

Being a geek can be hard.

Friends Comics & Movies

This weekend I got to hang with some old HS friends and make some new ones. I'm constantly amazed at how lucky I have been in my friends. Growing up I didn't have a lot of friends and I guess you can say they were more situational friends than anything. Either we were in the same school or on the same baseball team but a lot of those friendships lasted until school was out or the season was up. Part of it was my own fault I'm clumsy, I stutter, I'm fat or at least that is what I thought. Why would anyone want to be friends with me?

Than the craziest thing ever happened I was kicked out of Catholic school and sent to Public school. Now I had been fights all the time in Catholic school and with all the horror stories my mom told me about public school I walked in there with a jail hose mentality. I was not going to be anyone's bitch. I created this shell that I wouldn't let anyone get past. I hardly spoke to anyone and after a while it affected me. I really didn't care about other people. If I did that would just give them a chance to hurt me.

Than I met this guy who really hadn't said much to me other than "hey, what's up" till he saw me pull out my comics. Now I have always loved comics since I first discovered them and when this kid asked to read mine I said sure. After that we always talked about the newest comics, eventually he invited me to go check out a movie with him and a couple of his friends. I like the guy and He got me with my second love movies, so I figure why not. I'll meet some of his friends maybe they will all be cool. Yeah they were real cool they stood me up. I was so heated when I was leaving I was just going to a pizza place I know and eat angry.

As I am walking out the theater I see them coming in... Apparently they got lost and had a mini adventure. I end up sneaking into the theater they are going into and check out another movie. After the movie as we are all walking home they tell me the story of how they got lost and ended up cutting through a cemetery, at night, in the Bronx. I was able to forgive them and from there Grew a few friendships and one person who I consider a brother.

Since than I have been lucky to meet some amazing people who I have been able to consider true friends. People who I have laughed with, Cried with, Even hated at times but when it's all said and done a friend is someone who is not there just when things are good but when the chips are down and I know I could call on any of them and they would do everything they can to help me.

I have a friend who is an artist who helped me go for my dream as a writer.

I have a friend who I don't get to see as often as I would like but to this day I love her as much as when we used to hang out every day playing cards and when we see each other it's like no time has past.

I have a friend that no matter how goofy I get I know he will not only accept me but join in on any crazy Idea I have.

I have a friend who has had more than 3 peoples share of problems but each time life tries to knock her down she picks her self up and just says "Is that all you got?"

I have a friend who whenever we talk I have to set an alarm cause we always loose track... I swear we were only talking 15 minutes not 4 hours.

I have 2 friends who are a couple who have always showed me nothing but love and have welcomed me into there home many times.

I have a friend who is so protective of me that she sometimes treats me like I'm her kid...Even though I'm older.

As I look at this list I know there are people who I have left out for one reason or another but I'm lucky to have made the friends I have and my life is better because of them.


What is a friend for? Through rich and through poor
Kinda like a marriage balanced on a different floor
A friend could tell you things that he wouldn't tell another
So in essence, a friend could be considered a brother

What Love is

Ok just caught a movie on my Netflix called What Love is Starring Cuba Gooding, Mathew Lilliard Sean Astin.  The actual story of the movie is simple;  Cuba Gets to his home on Valentines night and discovers his girlfriend of 3 years has just left him.  What follows is various rants on men, women, relationships and oral sex (One of the funniest scenes in the movie.)  One of the best rants is not a real rant, in between Cuba Gooding Jr & Mathew Lillard screaming there heads of Sean Astin calmly tells about the 11th Man theory.  The theory goes as follows: 

"say there is a woman in a room with 10 men, and all 10 men are telling her how beautiful she is, and how amazing she is and they are lighting her cigarette and buying her drinks and just treating her like gold. Then all of a sudden in walks the 11th man, he takes one look at her and says "hey how ya doin'", turns his back on her and starts talking to his boys, THAT'S the guy she wants to be with, the 11th man, not any of the 10 men who were treating her well all night, but the one guy that couldn't care less, why? Because for some reason women don't want nice, they don't want real, they don't want to be treated well, I mean not at first and sometimes not ever, and I think that's crazy and I refuse to play that game .... get a girl by pretending that I don't like her, I wanna be with a woman who's real, who digs it when I'm nice to her, who doesn't see that as weakness or take me for granted when I tell her that I think she is more amazing than anything else in the entire world, but unfortunately most women aren't like that, they say they are, deep down inside they want to be, but ... they're not"

Now this theory strikes a chord with me cause as I get older I'm seeing the results of dating that 11th guy.  A couple of Google searches indicate that the current divorce rate is about 43%.  Many of my own friends are on there 2nd marriage or have long term relationships that can only be described as shit awful.  And I don't know if the 11th man theory is the actual problem but how can a solution be found if the problem can't be identified. 

I've always liked puzzles because no matter how hard the puzzle was you knew there was a solution.  It could take me hours to figure it out but even if I couldn't figure it out I knew there was an answer, but not with people.  You can not look on a woman's ass for a cheat code that gets you to the boss level.  Trust me I've looked. 

Near as I can see it there is one big problem between men and women... No one knows what's real.  We read these books, watch these TV shows and see these movies and think that is how life will turn out.  The couple getting together in the third act after a ton of obstacles makes for a great story but life doesn't have to be that hard. 

Guys a woman will know within the first 5 minutes if she wants to sleep with you and nothing you will say or do will change that.  Now like all rules there are exceptions but it will be a lot easier once you find out she is not interested in you if you assume the most you can ever be is friends.  

Women a guy knows with in the first 5 seconds if he wants to sleep with you.  The next 4 minutes and 55 seconds is spent figuring out if he wants more than that.  A man's desire for sex is practically constant and when he sees a woman he know if he wants to have sex with her.  But wanting to have sex and wanting a relationship is not the same thing.  If he says before hand he is not looking for a relationship he just wants to hook up.  Don't be upset when he hooks up with someone else.  The whole men don't really know what they want logic is bull shit.  We may not know what's best for us but we know what we want.   

So it seems that the very act of dating is screwed up to begin with and I'm not sure what the problem is but I have a theory and it's a pretty easy theory. Most guys are simple creatures. We don't think things through. We'll take on projects that are beyond our scope cause we don't know better. It's like a guy saying I'm going into the woods to go camping and live of the land and all I'm bringing is a spoon. No I don't really have any wilderness survival skills but I was a boy scout for 6 weeks I'll be fine.

Women over think things they look at a situation and come up with a Million possibilities of what may happen and based on that they formulate there course of action trying to take in account all possibilities. That's like Packing for a trip with out knowing when or where you're going or how long you will be gone. It's not mentally healthy.

The very act of dating is a moron and a nut job trying to find each other... It sometimes seems impossible but it can't be because I know couples have made it work.

Than again what do I know?


Below is the actual scene from the movie.

The colors

    So yesterday a number of women posted a color on there status.  From what I figured it is the color of the bra they were wearing.  While women's underwear is something I enjoy in between my dirty thoughts was a rather profound one. 
    The internet is amazing! Most of us take for granted what we can do with the internet.  Lets ignore the 90% that is porn based (This is temporary guys, you can go back to searching for porn after you read this... I know I will after I get done writing about it.)  In the course of one day I had people from White Plains the Bronx and Queens posting there colors within 3 hours of each other.  By the 4th hour I read comments from people who lived in Seatle, Oklahoma & North Carolina. 
    From what I understand this is to support Breast Cancer Awareness so I can see why so many women would be willing to do it.  But it's the fact that they were able to do it that amazes me.  20 Years ago they would have had to spend millions of dollars to get the same word of mouth that they got in one day. Just because an organization is charitable does not mean they don't have to pay for Advertising.  Advertising being what it is I think this was a briliant idea and I hope that it helps with donations and awareness. 
    I think the fact that this phenomenon occurred and got me to not only look it up but read up a little on breast cancer is proof that the campaign is working.   Not only are the women putting up the colors but men are trying to figure out what it is about, and while I have read some message boards with guys talking about how they should expand on the ideas by showing women in there bras the joking has been good natured and none of the men have been disrespectful. (I'm sure if I searched hard i would find some insensitive dicks who would piss me off, but why bother wasting my time doing that?) 
    So now you have men & women who are aware of a horrible disease but in a way that does not talk down or depress people.  I mean cancer is serious but people's spirits need to be raised when you are sick.  I truly believe that a person's frame of mind helps them stay healthier and laughter is the best medicine.   This was a fun and effective way to raise awareness. 
    You may now return to your normal Porn searching habits, I know I am.

Below is a link to National Breast Cancer Foundation.
http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/